


A Change Of Heart

by Nadja_Lee



Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Closure, Cultural Differences, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Moving On, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-26
Updated: 2006-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22993231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Jim talks with his old lover, Danny, about Blair and gains some insight…and some closure.
Relationships: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg, Jim Ellison/Danny Choi
Kudos: 36





	A Change Of Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Before Blair moves into the loft, before Danny Choi is murdered.  
> Thanks so much to Nancy who kindly offered to beta this even though she’s not into the Sentinel fandom. Thanks so much, lov *hugs*

**A Change Of Heart**

“xīn ài _[Mandarin for beloved (or dear)]_ ,” Jim’s voice was warm with familiarity more than desire or love when it formed the years’ old nickname, a private joke as it was the first word he had learnt to say in Mandarin.

His voice was almost like a caress and his eyes reflected the kindness in his voice, his face softening into a faint smile when he found the man he had arranged to meet. Most people who knew Jim Ellison would be surprised at the transformation seeing the slightly younger man had caused. Though the reason why the many occupants at the café this Saturday afternoon was turning to watch him had more to do with how he looked than what he said; a tight fitting warm white sweatshirt and dark jeans with a belt that emphasized his slim waist did his strong physique ever justice. If the women who admired him knew he had dressed up for the man he was meeting they’ll have been less eager to try and catch his attention. The dressing up had been instinctive; not to try and woo but done in the way one always tries to look ones best for a love which is now no more as a way of saying you’re alright on your own and maybe to show everything the other person will now no longer have.

“James,” Danny Choi said, his face lighting up into a warm smile as he rose and stepped out from the table to let himself be gathered into a warm embrace. For a moment they clung to each other as a drowning man to a life jacket. Then, reluctantly, they drew back and with a wave of his hand Danny indicated the table.

“Please, sit and tell me all,” he said in Mandarin and Jim nodded. Danny often used his full name as it had been custom in his family home to keep certain formalities even with close friends, but from him even the formal address sounded warm and caring and when he did call him Jim the name was said so much more loving.

After briefly touching Danny’s arm so lightly it would have looked like an accident Jim sat down. He had been unable to completely stop himself from touching the man who had meant so much in his life and still did.

“You look well,” Jim said in the same language as they were seated across each other and his eyes scanned the other man. He still had long black hair reaching his shoulders, strong yet delicate bones betraying his Eastern roots, a strong and well trained body and warm brown eyes which could hide as many emotions as they could show. He must have come here on his motorcycle for he wore tight but warm dark blue jeans and a thick leather jacket hug on his chair. Glancing down Jim could see his helmet on the floor beside him. He forced himself not to remember how they had ridden together a few years ago, Jim on his Harley and Danny on his current bike of choice. They had been young and free then, thinking nothing could catch up with them or take them down. With a rueful smile Jim recalled how they had been proven wrong.

“So do you,” Danny replied, with remembered heat in his eyes before he killed it, knowing that the time for passion had long since past between them. Silence fell over them for a while before Danny asked, switching to English, “I heard a rumour at the station that you have a partner riding with you now.” There was no jealousy in his tone, he knew he had no right to the feeling.

Jim nodded and his eyes lit up with a warmth Danny hadn’t seen in Jim’s eyes for many years as he thought of his new partner.

“Yes. His name’s Blair. He’s an anthropology student and he rides with me sometimes to help him gather information for his doctorate thesis.” He fought the urge to tell him of his senses; once they had shared everything but not anymore. Now they were left with nothing more than a warm ache before the last of ‘what could have been’ died away.

Danny simply nodded, accepting the unusual explanation simply because Jim wasn’t volunteering any more information and Danny didn’t want to push him. The waiter came and Jim ordered coffee while Danny had tea. Not sure what else to say, Danny continued, “I heard about your marriage. I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be. I’m not.” At Danny’s questioning look he elaborated, “When you married I thought maybe that life was also for me. Now I know it isn’t.”  
Danny briefly closed his eyes in remembered pain. “I never wanted to leave you,” he said softly, going back to Mandarin to be sure the occupants at the tables beside them couldn’t understand them.

“I know,” Jim’s voice was filled with sadness as he replied in the same language once more. Their time together seemed to dance before his eyes. Both men had been raised in strict upper-class homes, had a military background and had met at the police academy. They had fallen in love fast and Jim had moved into Danny’s apartment. At that time he still hadn’t found a place for himself in Cascade since he was still fresh out of the army. They had shared war stories, their passion for bikes and their fight to fit in. Yet within a world of restrictions they had found freedom in each other. Where Danny had been reserved and controlled in his touch and expression of love, maybe due to his cultural inheritance and upbringing, Jim had always wanted and needed the occasion touching but had always respected Danny’s limits and had never touched him in a way he’ll find uncomfortable in public. While Jim would be honest about where his love lay if asked, but otherwise would not mention anything, Danny would deny any involvement or thought of a relationship between Jim and himself even if directly asked. Annoyed yet understanding a little of the complicated relationship about honour which ran in Danny’s family Jim had accepted that this was simply how things had to be – and mostly he hadn’t cared. They had had each other and it had been enough. Danny had been the first person Jim had loved enough to feel he could trust him so completely that he had considered settling down with him. Of course after 2 years together where they had shaded everything, that had changed forever.

Danny gave a small sigh to Jim’s reply. “I’m not as strong as you are,” he said, this time in English. “I cannot disregard my family’s wishes.”

Jim had learnt Danny’s mother tongue when they had moved in together and had showed he had great language skills; having learned the language fast. The last year they had spent together Jim had been able to switch effortlessly between this language and his native English. The security that speaking it had, since only a few people could understand it and these would probably be from Chinese decent, meant that Danny at times would feel comfortable enough to say an endearment or an ‘I love you’ to his then lover in public. Jim had also taken a liking to Chinese food, literature and customs, feeling fascinated and comfortable with the rules and respect in its system, as it was alike to what he had experienced in his father’s house and later in the army and on the force.

“You’re one of the strongest people I know,” Jim said with certainly in his voice, the pride and admiration that love leaves behind clear in his eyes and statement. “I’m detached from my family by choice, yes, and even if I had been close with them I would have chosen my own ways. That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have been a painful decision.” He paused before he went on, grim remembrance of childhood pains in his voice, “My father would have been as unsupportive as yours would have been.”

“Yet you would still have defied him,” Danny said softly, pain and a hint of shame in his eyes. To this day the conflict between the traditions, wishes and expectations of his parents and many of the people from his native community and his own view of the world had trouble coexisting.

“Yes,” Jim agreed, his voice softer now, “but my family’s honour and name would not have been damaged so badly that my whole family would have suffered severely for my choices.” Unable to resist Jim reached across the table and lightly and briefly patted Danny’s hand. “You did the only think you could to uphold your family’s honour, traditions and good name.”

“Your father is as influential in the business world as mine; as well off as mine. Probably even more so,” Danny reminded him, still unable to feel comfortable about how he had handled his father’s demand that he settled down and married the woman he had chosen for his son.

“My father may have cared about all that. I don’t,” Jim paused before he added, “But then my decision was easier. My choices and who I am would not have affected his life or business dealings. Yours would. I do not know if I would have acted differently from you had I been in your place. Even after all that has happened then he’s still my father.” Jim fought not to recall the scowls and occasional beatings his father had given him if he had failed or upset him. Yet despite it all, he still felt his father deserved if not his love and support then at least that he wouldn’t be a willing part in his ruin.

“My family’s honour, traditions and good name… I chose all that above my lover…and my own heart,” Danny admitted quietly in Mandarin. It was the first time he had admitted to this since he had left Jim a few years ago. “You were right about that; I **should** have fought harder.”

Jim shook his head, replying in Mandarin out of respect for Danny’s privacy as the nearness of the other café occupants would mean they could catch bits and pieces of their conversation. “No. I was wrong to make the decision even tougher on you. It was easy for me to say you should fight…I think I knew even then that what I was really asking you to do, to choose me above and before your customs and the family you had loved all your life and who loved you too, was an impossible choice.”

There was silence for a while before Danny said, his voice filled with the doubt and regret years bring, “Not impossible. Just hard.” He had gone back to English again.

Jim shook his head, refusing to relive the old hope he had carried with him for so long that he had just recently let go of. “All we would have been able to salvage would have been a quick and hidden meeting once in a while. I would not dishonour your wife in that fashion…nor would I ask you to dishonour yourself by coming to me in the cover of night,” he said in Mandarin, his voice sure. He had known that even when he had still been hurting over Danny’s decision and had left Danny’s apartment to find his own place.

“I would not have asked you to do that for me,” Danny objected in the same language, his words and eyes betraying how degrading he found the thought of turning Jim into his mistress was to him. After a short pause he added, very softly, “I guess in time, when I got cold enough…maybe I would not have been strong enough **not** to ask,” he admitted.

Jim shook his head, replying in English. “No. You’ll never ask.” They sat in silence for a while before Jim continued in English since this was a safe topic, his voice mild, “How is your wife?” Jim had met her briefly the few times he had met Danny after their break-up. She was a beautiful, mild mannered and delicately looking woman. Just looking at her had awakened all Jim’s protective instincts and he had never resented or hated her. She had been as much a victim of circumstances in their drama as Danny and he had been.

Danny shook his head as if to clear it of the cloud of thoughts he had been caught in. “She’s well.”

Jim nodded and smiled a little at that, the smile bittersweet but not jealous. “Are you…are you happy?”

Danny could tell how important the question was to his former lover; no matter what then Jim still felt protective of him and wanted him to be well and happy with the life he now led. Danny smiled warmly. “In my own way then yes, I guess I’m happy.” He paused as the waiter came and put their cups before them. After they had both taken a sip of their hot drinks Danny pulled out his wallet. “This is my daughter,” he told Jim and showed him a picture of a small baby, only a few months old. The happiness and pride in Danny’s voice was clear.

“She’s beautiful,” Jim said sincerely as he took the picture and looked at her.

“She’s everything to me,” Danny simply said and Jim nodded, understanding in his eyes as he handed the picture back. Danny knew Jim had always wanted children but he guessed that wasn’t likely to happen.

“What’s her name?”

Danny smiled, his eyes soft. “Jamie.”

Jim’s face reflected surprise and shock. “After…”

“Yes. After you,” Danny said warmly, his eyes saying everything he was not.

Clearly moved Jim gave a wide grin. “Thank you.” Again, he reached out to briefly touch Danny’s hand, this time squeezing it lightly before he drew back.

“So, tell me more about this Blair guy,” Danny said, breaking the moment.

“He’s very unlike anyone I have ever met. He has never been in the military, has no understanding of discipline, he talks a mile a minute, he bounces as if he’s always on a sugar high…” Jim smiled in remembrance of the young man who had recently become his unofficial partner. “He has a sharp intelligence and deep spirituality which reminds me of you,” he ended softly.

“What does he look like?”

Jim reached for his wallet and hidden behind his credit cards he took out a small picture and handed it over. “Here.”

Danny took it, not commenting on how much Jim was telling by actually carrying the man’s picture around with him, not knowing Jim had found it handy due to Blair’s tendency to always get into trouble. He looked at the smiling young man in the photo. He had long curly brown hair, golden loop earrings and colourful clothes. He seemed young and his face was open and trusting. “He seems like an angel,” Danny said matter of factly as he handed the picture back.

Jim nodded and smiled warmly as he looked at the picture in his hand. “He is…he can also be a devil at times though.”

Danny felt a wave of happiness yet also loss as he said, “You really care for him.”

  
Jim nodded, knowing his former lover, even after having not seen him in a year, would know how he felt. “Yes.”

“Have you told him?”

Jim shook his head as he put the picture away. “No.”

“Why not? He isn’t…” Danny’s voice died away and Jim recalled how Danny had never liked voicing these things.

“He was raised by a single mother, a very open-minded hippy like one I understand from him so I don’t think he’ll mind the notion but I’m not sure he leans that way.”  
“Because?” Danny pressed when Jim fell silent.

“He dates constantly. He has been with more women than most people can count,” Jim said with a pained sigh.

“Dating isn’t loving,” Danny reminded him, wanting to ease the pain he saw flashing in Jim’s eyes. In Danny’s opinion there had already been way too much hurt and betrayal in Jim’s life and he knew he himself hadn’t helped break the pattern. Maybe this young man, Blair, would be the one who gave Jim the love and security he so longed for and rightly deserved.

“Even if that is so then I’m not his type,” Jim said with a forced shrug. “I want a steady relationship. A once in a lifetime thing. He seems to be the cruising kind.” He paused, trying to sound nonchalant. “Besides, he’s an academic.”  
  


“You **do** hold a University degree in history, you’re very well read and well travelled and you have a real flair for languages. You shouldn’t sell yourself short,” Danny protested. Jim had always had that tendency; as if he had been taught that he was never good enough when it came to the academics and so he always thought he wasn’t.

Jim shook his head. “Most of my skills are military. My language skills I used in the army as well.” He shook his head to still Danny’s protests in regard to his worth, moved by it but not ready to go into arguments they had had back when they had lived together. “I somehow doubt telling him I can break into high security facilities, am good with various weapons, explosives, some electronics as well as vehicles, can kill a man in a hundred ways with my bare hands or extract information – or withhold it – using very creative means will be his idea of an intelligent man.”  
  


Danny forced himself not to say that the few abilities of Jim’s that he had just listed were pretty damn impressive in themselves. “He’s a pacifist?”

Jim nodded. “Anti war, anti military...all that.”

“That doesn’t have to mean he’ll object to those qualities in others,” Danny objected. He paused before he added, “It’s his difference, isn’t it? Having been raised by a woman, maybe holding feminine values, probably not afraid to cry…that he’s so seemly innocent. So different from anyone else you have ever met….so different from you.”

Jim nodded, “It’s part of it but it’s the whole package I find appealing.” He didn’t add that though Danny and him had shared masculine values and upbringing as well as military backgrounds and current professions, then they had many differences and Jim had loved the whole package there as well. Jim had compromised when it came to Danny’ culture and his boundaries, respecting his different viewpoints. In return they were alike in that Danny would never ask Jim to speak of his past pains, his childhood or anything else; he would never ask for words on words. Even when Danny had left him there had been no tears or scenes. Some heated arguments, sure, but that was it. With Danny he had always had to be careful of his instincts to protect and care for the person he loved so he wouldn’t offend his sense of self, honour or manhood. Even Carolyn hadn’t liked it much. He had a hope that Blair exactly because he had a different point of view on life, would not only like these qualities in him but also appreciate them.  
They sat in silence for a while, finishing their beverages. “Maybe you should approach him. Sometimes life surprises you,” Danny said softly.

“I could lose his friendship,” Jim voiced his fear, something he rarely did but it had always been easy to do with Danny for he never had to elaborate or explain. Danny had always known how much more emotion there was behind simple words.

Danny gave him a long look before he said evenly, his eyes reflecting remembrance and an old shared pain, thinking of how Jim, just a few months after he had left him had been his best man at his wedding, pride, warmth and hurt reflecting in Jim’s blue eyes throughout the event. “You would survive it…you always have before.” It had been a painful and bittersweet day for them both. Only a handful of people had ever known they had been dating, all of them Jim’s friends, and on that day Jim had been surrounded by people who would never know all they had once shared and if they ever found out they’ll think less of them both.

Jim was silent before he replied, “Yeah…. I guess I would.” He would survive; he always did. Everyone else fell or left him but like a rock, he always remained. A little more broken, a little more worn, a little more jaded…but still there.

“If you think the rewards could be worth it the risks are unimportant. Nothing in life comes without a price…or a sacrifice,” there was knowledge in his voice but also acceptance. He had come to terms with his fate and knew this was how things had to be.

Jim nodded, his expression thoughtful as he rose, his eyes betraying that a piece of his heart would always belong to the man before him, “You’re right.”

Jim made a hand movement towards the bill on the table and with the familiarity only years can bring Danny understood and shook his head as he too rose. He put money on the table for them both, put on his jacket and picked up his helmet. Without a word, with the knowledge that comes with having been lovers, Jim followed Danny out of the café. Danny had packed his bike behind the café in a darkened alley that was deserted this time of day.

When they reached his bike Danny turned to face Jim. “It was good to see you again,” he said warmly, his eyes saying so much more than the words. They hadn’t met much after their break-up, both having needed the distance to try and move on. Now though it felt as if they could rekindle a friendship and move past the yearning, bitterness and thoughts of what they had lost.

Jim nodded, feeling a sudden lump in his throat. “Likewise.”

They stood still for a while, neither moving nor speaking. Then, after a quick glance around to assure himself they were alone, Danny put his free hand up to touch Jim’s cheek, a short and soft caress. “Goodbye, my friend,” he said softly as Jim took Danny’s hand and laid his own larger one over it, pressing against it for a second before he released him.

“Goodbye,” he mumbled back and then, acting on impulse he bent down and softly kissed Danny’s lips, the kiss quick and sweet, saying goodbye to what had been.

When Jim drew back there was pain in Danny’s eyes. “I knew deep down that what we shared couldn’t last. Yet still I had hoped it would,” he said in Mandarin.

Jim nodded, fighting memories. “I know.” He wanted to say more. _I know you loved me. I know you never meant to hurt me._ Yet the words didn’t come and with a look at Danny he knew he didn’t need to say them. As always Danny knew and he gave a small nod of his head before he pulled on his helmet, keeping the visor up as he climbed onto his bike.

When their eyes locked again Danny said, “Be happy with Blair.” He knew that the greatest love in his life would always be his child, or children should he have any more, but the strongest love for a lover…none could ever fill the void Jim had left in his heart. Yet somehow he felt as if Jim was first now about to know just how much he could be loved, how much love he could give. He knew Jim was a very thoughtful, protective and considerate lover and he silently vowed he’d keep in touch with Jim to make sure he was indeed happy. He knew he no longer had any right to feel protective of him and he knew Jim hardly needed protecting, yet when it came to matters of the heart Jim had always been very vulnerable. If he ever found the young Blair wasn’t as sweet and kind hearted as he sounded, if he ever found he had hurt Jim…Danny would make it a personal goal to destroy him. He wasn’t a former Marine for nothing.

Jim smiled at Danny’s words, his eyes becoming warm, betraying his thoughts went to Blair. “Believe me…if he’ll have me I will be.”

Danny nodded and pulled down his visor. He turned the key and started the bike after Jim had moved a little away from him. He looked back over his shoulder at Jim who gave him an encouraging smile and his lips formed the words, ‘be safe’. Danny nodded and without a second glance he rode away, somehow knowing Jim would fellow him with his eyes as far as he could. Jim had always been very protective of him though he had worked hard not to make the military trained Asian feel trapped because of it. Danny had a feeling Jim’s protectiveness would go over better with Blair than it had him.

“Bye,” Jim said to himself as he watched his former lover speed away. With the word he let go of the last straw of hope, of remembered passion. It was time to move on. To try and build a new future for himself. Danny would always have a special place in his heart but he knew his love was now Blair’s…if the younger man would have him.

When Danny was out of sight Jim walked away and towards his truck, feeling in a good mood all of the sudden. He’ll take it slow, let Blair get used to him, get to know him better and then he’ll approach him. Win or lose, Blair would be worth the risk. Remembering the warm smiles, the stolen looks, how easily Blair leaned into his touches - to Jim’s joy also in public - Jim felt positive that his future was about to change for the better.

As he drove off, smiling warmly as he thought of Blair, he never knew that the next time he’ll see Danny he would be saying goodbye to him for good when he’ll have another lover die in his embrace – one of many people he cared for who had or would end up dying on him.

For now though…for now Jim felt content and was for once optimistic about the future as images of Blair danced before his eyes.

**The end**


End file.
